Happy New Year!

Well, DUH! How else would I start a blog at the beginning of the year? I'll let you in on a little secret: that message is more for me than it is for you. I figure if I start off wishing myself a Happy New Year, it would be easier and more honest when I wish it to you.

I have decided that self-denial is good in Catholic grade school when trying to impress the nuns. It is also part of a good discipline once you've "grown-up" because it teaches us not to be so narcissistic. It becomes a problem when one adopts the practice and thoughts of self-denial to the point where and when one loses her "self" - and that's where it comes to me. This year, I am going to actively take care of myself so that my "self" can function.

Wanna know what I am doing? (Yes, I know "yes" and "no" questions aren't good because they can lead to a wall. However, this is my blog, and I am going to tell you anyway. Remember, for now, this is all about ME - Erlinda!)

First of all, I have given up meat. There, now the world knows it. No beef. No pork. No chicken. No fish. (Some people think that it's ok to eat chicken and or fish if you are a vegetarian. It is not. Chicken and fish are not vegetables. They are meat. They are uglier than cows and pigs, but they are still meat, and I am not going to eat them.) I am hopeful that a vegetarian diet will make me healthier. I have too many dumb ailments and illnesses that are just annoying and inconvenient. Maybe a diet change will help me feel better. Maybe it will help me lose weight. Maybe it will be cheaper. (So far, it hasn't been cheaper - I've eaten a lot of pizza. So far, I doubt that I've lost a lot of weight because I've eaten a lot of cheese. As a matter of fact, I KNOW I haven't lost a lot of weight because I've eaten so much cheese. Cheese is convenient. Cheese is so g-o-o-d!)

As a result of my decision to change my diet, I just might have to plan what I am going to eat. I'll consider texture, color, flavor, etc. - and whether I like it or not. I saw a recipe for roasted broccoli that looked interesting. Did you ever notice that really fresh broccoli has a hue of blue? It is absolutely beautiful. The first time I really, REALLY noticed it in the grocery store, I stopped and stared. Fortunately, I go to the grocery store at odd hours, so I wasn't in anyone's way. I also saw a recipe for cauliflower steak. I will NOT try that. Cauliflower is a texture violation, no matter what you do to it. My new diet will be a lot of fun and I will write about it.

Secondly, I CLAIM my right to happiness. Years ago, I read an interview of someone who worked on a movie with Bette Midler and Goldie Hawn. I don't remember who was being interviewed or where I read it, but what I remember is the person said that every day Goldie Hawn greeted everyone as if happiness was her right. I figure I'll try that approach for awhile and wait to see if anyone notices the change.

Thirdly, I need to address my spirituality. Many people know that I have long been drawn to Buddhism. It is easy for me to question my Christianity because I know a little more about Christianity than I do Buddhism. I work for a church, there is a minister or two in my family (present and ancestral), I went to Catholic school from second grade through college, and people in my family pray a lot. I know that institutional religion and spirituality are not one and the same. I cringe at fundamentalism, be it Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Non-denominational. I like flexibility. I like quiet. I like Buddhist. I don't want to know or get involved in its administration. I just want to sit.

The struggle? Taking the plunge.

I think there is more Roman Catholic schoolgirl in me than I want to admit. I have no problem questioning religion or accepting that the Bible is not literal. Sometimes, I think Jesus was more a political figure than a religious one; at others, I think he was more historical. Still at other times, I totally accept and respect that he was a religious figure. (I love when I see a "WWJD?" piece of jewelry. What do I think Jesus would do? I think he would bitch-slap and sucker punch a LOT of people and say, "You've got it totally wrong - and you're doing in MY NAME! HOW DARE YOU!" Ooooo! I would LOVE to watch that event. Still, making the shift from Christianity to Buddhism would be like a rebirth. (I guess.) And I hear the birthing process is painful.

Next on the list is accepting that I am OK just as I am. I had a really great therapist named Scott. Once I was going through my litany of things wrong with me. Many of these things are embedded from my childhood and painful. A lot of the stuff, I picked up along the way. To me, the patient, they are BIG and TERMINAL. To a therapist, they are probably an article in an outline for Psychology 101. At one point, Scott asked, "Did it ever occur to you that you are alright?" Well, that concept was so foreign to me that it didn't sound like he was speaking English. Now, in my life, a lot of dumb, rotten stuff has happened, and I have done a lot of stupid stuff. I have also experienced a lot of pain. Being the victim helped me survive. But I think it also helped hide the good stuff. The OK stuff - even the fabulous stuff.

Just as I have a right to be happy. I have a right and responsibility to accept that I am OK just as I am. Flaws be damned. Gifts be blessed.

To be continued.