"I did everything I could..."

Sissy, my dear grandmother, celebrated her 101st birthday on September 24, 2011. that's quite a feat. She has outlived er husband, both of her children, her youngest sister,and all of her friends. she has outlived many, if not all of my mother's friends.

Lately, she hasn't been doing so well. Her health is a roller coaster. Sometimes she sleeps for hours. Sometimes she won't eat. Sometimes it is difficult to understand her. When she is alert, she is very alert and wants a lot of attention. (She has always demanded, and for the most part received a lot of attention. Then again, she has always given a lot of attention, so the scales of the oblique are more-or-less balanced.) I call her every evening. Sometimes I don't get through because she cannot lift the telephone. If someone is visiting her or preparing her for bed, I am in luck because they will pass the phone to her.

I was lucky this evening. A nurse's aide was getting her ready for bed. She passed the phone to my grandmother who sounded very weak. She said her mouth was dry and it was difficult to talk. She proceeded to ask about my day, my dog "Bella", and my fish, Max/Otis. The more she spoke the stronger she sounded. She remarked that she hadn't spoken to me in a couple of nights. (True about that) I explained that I try to call when I think someone is visiting her because I know she can't reach the phone. She asked me what I had eaten today. (I lied about that.) She remarked that I sounded like I had a cold. (I explained that I thought it was an allergy...) When I told her that I had a friend who always threatens to dip Max/Otis in corn meal and fry him, and that he rolls his eyes when he sees her, she just laughed and laughed! She sounded just like my Sissy, just older. At the end of our conversation, she sounded stronger and more animated.

We always end our calls with "I love you." If I sing it, she sings it back. That's what she did this evening.

I know that nothing is guaranteed. I could get a call in 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months...that Sissy has gone to see our grandfather whom she misses so much.

One of my sisters is very close to our grandmother, and I believe, is grieving Sissy's eventual passing. She cannot talk about it, and her story is hers to tell. Our grandmother has been such a staple in my life, that I cannot imagine her not being around. I cannot wrap my mind around this eventuality, so I am not doing such a good job of preparing myself. This is the woman who taught me to pray, braided my hair, tried to teach us to make taffy, but let us each the sugary mess when the taffy didn't happen; she took us to Girl Scouts, gave us music lessons, and taught us how to "fix our faces." (The search for the perfect red lipstick continues.) Not long ago, I thanked her for all she did for me. Her response, "I did everything I could." I am grateful she didn't chastise me for not practicing my piano lessons.

How can I possibly imagine her not being here?

I will never be ready for that.